TERRORIST ATTACK
By Richard Littlejohn

The finest minds in Britain have been agonising night and day over the best way to protect us from potential terrorist attacks. Now they have come up with their cunning plan. They’re going to send leaflets to every home in the country. Oh, and schoolchildren are going to be given lessons in surviving smallpox and anthrax. The revolutionary counter-terrorist strategy has been drawn up by a sub-committee chaired by the press officer for the Cheshire Fire Brigade. I bet you feel safer already.

Other proposals are also being considered. One is using the national electricity grid to transmit warnings in the event of an attack. This is how it would work. A special pulse would be sent down power lines to trigger alarms in every home. And then what, given that the police don’t even bother to respond to burglar alarms? Er, stay in the house until further notice. Let the looting begin. Last one out of Rumbelows’ window with a wide-screen plasma TV is a cissy.

The Government is also going to set up an emergency telephone hotline. Calls charged at 38p a minute, inevitably. Seeing as the banks have moved their call centres to the Indian sub-continent, the National Emergency Hotline will probably end up being run from Pakistan by a company owned by al-Qa’ida. In the interests of public safety, here is a preview of the way in which the hotline will work.

Ring, Ring. Ring, Ring.

(Ten minutes later.)

Thankyou for calling the National Emergency Hotline. Your call may be monitored and recorded for training purposes.

For Urdu, press 1. For Parsi, press 2. For Welsh, press 3. For Arabic, press 4. For all other languages, including English, press 5, followed by the hash key.

Thankyou for your co-operation. Your call is important to us.

Did you know that you can save on your electricity bill by paying in instalments? For more details, press 1. For all other inquiries, press 2.

Thankyou for pressing 2. Please key in your 11 digit telephone number, followed by star.

Sorry, that is not a valid selection. To return to the menu, press 1. To speak to an operator, press 2.

Thankyou. All our operators are busy assisting other customers at the moment. You are being held in a queue. To better help us deal with your inquiry please choose from the following list of options.

If you are calling about botulism, press 1. If you are calling about anthrax, press 2. If you are calling about smallpox, press 3. If you are in a tower block which has just been hit by a jumbo jet, press 4. For all other inquiries, including nerve gas and car bombs, please press 5.

Thankyou for holding. To further assist us in handling your call more swiftly, please choose from the following list of options.

If your hair is on fire, press 1. If you are covered in yellow pustules, press 2. If you are vomiting, press 3. If you are calling about a service appointment or to upgrade your existing service, press 4. For all other inquiries, including problems connecting to the Internet and shrapnel wounds, please press 5.

If you are calling to shop that bloke over the road you had the row about the leylandii with for drunk driving, please press 1.

If you have turned green and started coughing up blood, press 2.

I’m sorry, that is not a valid selection. Your call will now be transferred automatically into a black hole.

(Cue music. It’s The End Of The World As We Know It.)

You have reached the answering service of al-Qa’ida. All our operatives are busy right now. If you are an infidel, press 1. If you are the Great Satan, press 2. If you are a Saudi prince and wish to donate several million dollars to the jihad, please press 3.

If you wish to volunteer as a suicide bomber, please replace your receiver and ring, toll free, 1-800-SADDAM.

Have a nice day.

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